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Wednesday, May 18, 2022

ARTICLE: ABUSE AND VIOLENT DEATHS IN MARRIAGE

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คนไหนที่กำลังตกลงใจเข้าเล่นกับเว็บไซต์เกมสล็อต มาดู 3 เรื่องราวพวกนี้กันก่อนที่จะทำการตัดสินใจ มีแนวทางที่นับว่าเป็นส่วนสำคัญที่จะทำให้เราไปถึงเป้าหมายบนเส้นทางนี้ได้ บางบุคคลฟังเพื่อนชี้แจงมาตลอด โดยที่ไม่เคยตกลงใจเอง บางครั้งอาจจะมิได้พบเห็นเส้นทางที่ดีกับเกมเหล่านี้ ก็เลยต้องการจะบอกให้กับทุกคนได้รู้ ก่อนที่จะคิดที่จะตัดสินใจสมัครเว็บไซต์คาสิโน เนื้อหานี้จะมาแนะนำผู้เล่นคนใหม่ให้รู้จักกับการเล่นเกมสล็อต โดยมี 3 หัวข้อนี้เป็นหลัก แล้วคุณจะไม่มีคำว่าผิดหวังหรือเสียใจกับการเข้ามาอยู่บนทางเกมสล็อตแน่นอน ด้วยเหตุดังกล่าวก็เลยขอเสนอแนะ 3 ประเด็นสำคัญที่ควรทราบก่อนลงทุนบนทางเกมสล็อตเป็น

ABUSE AND VIOLENT DEATHS IN MARRIAGE: The Golden Rule – Love your neighbour AS yourself

Let me start by saying that I have zero tolerance for abuse of any kind or form no matter how insignificant.

Let me also say that MARRIAGE IS GOOD; IT A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE IF YOU HAVE THE CALLING TO MARRY. INSPITE OF ALL THAT IS HAPPENING AROUND THE WORLD, MARRIAGE IS STILL GOOD.

Let me also say that IT IS NOT GOD’S WILL FOR YOU OR ANYONE TO DIE IN MARRIAGE AS A RESULT OF VIOLENCE OR OTHER KINDS OF ILL-TREATMENT. IF YOU STAY AND EVENTUALLY DIE, YOU DIED A FOOLISH DEATH.

Let me also say this, contrary to public opinion and view, it is not ONLY WOMEN THAT ARE ABUSED IN MARRIAGE; MANY MEN ARE TOO. BUT MANY TIMES, THE MEN DO NOT CRY OUT BECAUSE OF SHAME.

Let me also say this, STOP WAITING FOR ANYBODY’S APPROVAL TO DO ALL IN YOUR POWER TO STAY SAFE AND ALIVE INCLUDING LEAVING THAT VIOLENT HUSBAND OR WIFE. OUR SYMPATHY MAY NOT DO MUCH FOR YOU. YOU NEED TO TAKE A DECISION AS AN ADULT.

True life story……

HE POURED FUEL ON HER AND SET HER ABLAZE

It was a Monday morning like any other but what we heard turned it into a black Monday for all of us residing on that street. I could still remember her because the Friday prior to that Monday, my friend and I boarded her taxi. It was my first time of seeing her and I was amazed to see a female taxi driver. She did her job happily and was quite polite.
My friend and I didn’t know her story until we woke up that Monday morning with the news of her gruesome death.

She had been married for 20 years to a man from her State; and they had 4 teenagers. For reasons we were not privy to, the man decided to have a concubine. He got involved with another lady and bought her a car. On hearing about the car, our taxi woman friend who has been struggling to cater for their children sniffed the other woman out and beat her, demanding that she stay away from her husband. The man reacted and that would be the beginning of the enmity between them; enmity that lasted 12 months. He asked her to leave the bedroom they had shared for many years and she moved into the spare room. They stopped going to church together. People from both families tried to settle the quarrel but none could until the day the man found the opportunity to hatch his evil plan against her.

That Saturday, the man called his wife and pleaded that she forgive him that he has stopped seeing the other woman. The family members he called also pleaded with the woman; a plea that would end her life within 48 hours. The woman accepted his apology thinking it was genuine. The man asked that they go to church together in the morning which she accepted.
When they came back from church, the man told his wife of his intention to travel to the village to inspect the house they were putting up. Since there was fuel scarcity, he bought fuel in a gallon supposedly for his trip in the morning. He proceeded to ask her to come back to their bedroom since they have reconciled and she did. Unknown to her, her husband had put a small gallon of fuel in the room for his devilish mission.

At midnight, while she was sleeping, her husband sneaked out and locked his children’s room in front so they could not come to their mother’s rescue when she would shout. He proceeded to pour the fuel on her and set her ablaze. As her 20 year old son heard her scream, he tried to open the door to the room but he could not. He broke the louvers of the windows yet he could not help her. By the time the man opened the door, his wife, the mother of his children had burnt to death.

True life story……

SHE KILLED HER HUSBAND IN A FIT OF ANGER

In 1995, I organised a one-day seminar for women from all works of life and different denominations. During that seminar, one of the speakers told a very pathetic story about a couple I would call Okon and Ekaete.

Her story, ‘Okon, a motor bike operator or ‘okada’ and Ekaete have been having it rough financially for some years. Ekaete’s friend, Eno is married to Bassey and they too have been going through financial struggle.
But one day, Bassey who was paid for a contract he did five years ago decided to give his wife a surprise. He bought some beautiful wrappers, packaged them in a beautiful little box and gave to Eno his wife thanking her for standing by him all these years.
An unassuming Eno rushed over to Ekaete’s house immediately her husband left the house and brought her over to see her surprise package and join her in thanking God. Ekaete, after seeing and ‘rejoicing’ with her, left thereafter to wait for her husband’s return.

Immediately an unsuspecting Okon came in to give her the N500 he had made for the day for their food, she grabbed him and asked him to explain to her why he is suffering her ‘all in the name of marriage.’
Before a confused Okon knew what was happening, she ran into the kitchen, brought a pestle and hit him on his head. Okon fell down and became lifeless. A now calm Ekaete raised an alarm and neigbours came to their one-room apartment to meet a dead Okon.”
That was how Ekaete became the murderer of her husband and the father of her children.

PHYSICAL ABUSE IN MARRIAGE
There are various kinds of abuse in marriage but I will focus on physical abuse.
We hear of it all the time; we see it all the time. We see the bruises under the foundation on the face of the woman. We also see it on her scalp, coloured backside, black eye, broken lips and so other many permanent wounds and scars.

We see the wounds on the man left on him by one of his wife’s kitchen instruments. We also see the wounds and scars hidden under the face cap, bruises, knife cuts and groin pains as the woman held him in his private part during one of their arguments.

We hear of miscarriages because of the brutality of a husband. We also hear of broken arm because of a woman’s aggression.
Sometimes, it is the husband’s family (in-laws or should I say out-laws) that gang up against the woman and beats her to stupor and all the while the husband either consoles her secretly or cautions her to be more respectful.

We have cases too of a woman from a supposedly rich home inviting her siblings into her home to beat up her husband because of an issue they have. Or a rich father in-law sending the police to harass and arrest his daughter’s husband (his son in-law).

My question again, should the man or woman stay until he or she is maimed or eventually killed? Is this situation also one of the ‘for better and for worse’ case?

When a man continuously tells his wife to leave their home or one day she would leave as a corpse, should she stay and wait for that one day?
When a woman daily tells her husband to die in an accident or one she would put rat poison in his food, should he wait for that one day?
Should physical abuse and threat to the life of a husband/wife be ignored until it is fulfilled?
With such threats will there still be trust in the marriage? What of sudden rage as in the case between Okon and Ekaete his wife?
As I recall that story told more than 15 years ago, what comes to my mind is Proverbs 31, “For the heart of her husband safely trusts in her.”

Is marriage a ticket to hell on earth or eventual untimely and violent exit of one person? The answer is NO.

I am sure many women would have said in their heart, “Oh Ekaete over reacted. If I were the one, I would not have gone to that extent”. Yes, you can say that but is it really true. Is it really true that you wouldn’t lift your pestle against your husband when he has offended you?
Is it really true that you wouldn’t hold him by his trouser or collar?

You know I keep wondering why people cannot try dialogue in relating with their spouses. Everybody wants to prove a point through violence. Is it that husbands/wives do not like dialogue or that husband/wives are not willing to try it out or that the process of dialogue is too slow for them?
Ekaete, instead of trying to dialogue chose to enter her ‘strong room,’ her ‘armoury’ in readiness for a battle with her husband. Instead of putting on the ‘whole armour of God,’ she rather chose to put on the ’the whole armour of her kitchen,’ a fleshly armour with which she killed her husband and she destroyed herself.
It is true that she raised an alarm but then she has become the murderer of her children’s father and of course, ‘A WIDOW BY CHOICE.”

Good people can have bad marriages sometimes. A man could try to keep it all together; show genuine love for his wife; buy her car; take her abroad for vacation; care for her other personal needs; go the extra mile to care for her parents; work ‘10 hours’ a day to make money; help her out in the kitchen; suspend his personal things to be with her yet she will not appreciate all these. She would rather choose to be in constant rage.

In the same way, a woman could show her husband all the respect in the world; submit to him; cook the best meal; clean the house; take care of his clothes; give him 10 boys; care for his parents; pray for his success; deny herself of so many things to see that their marriage work and the man might choose to bully her and make life miserable for her.

The worst kind of problem though is when a husband or wife decides to be barbaric and violent; when a husband or wife decides to unleash terror on the other.
Some people might tell you to endure that your husband or wife will change. Others will quote the Bible for you that marriage is for better and for worse; or that God hates divorce. But I will say to you, know when your spouse deserves a RED CARD.

This brings to my mind a Tyler Perry film I watched a few years back and my heart was broken. I said to myself, if the man had had walked away, his life would have been spared.

I can understand when married couples have to deal with anger, lack of trust for each other, financial difficulties, health challenges and many more. But my heart is always broken when I hear a story or watch a film especially a true life story where a husband or wife dies not of natural causes but because of violence of one or both of them.
In that film, this couple seemed like the perfect couple among their other friends. They never brought up issues about them; the wife bottled up everything, answered every other couple’s questions, counselled them as a professional Therapist and proffered solutions to their various problems and challenges. Yet, they never heard her seek for advice or complain.

Then one day, while they were on vacation with their friends, the wife without consulting her husband announced that they were getting a divorce.
They came to the sharing of their assets and their problem escalated because the wife refused to allow for earnings from her books to be shared.
The day the man wanted to pack and leave the house and his wife broke every single breakable item in their sitting room was the day that man would have walked away leaving the money from her books. But he refused to let go and insisted he had to share in the money.
One day, the wife went to his office to embarrass him and out of anger he drove away and an oncoming truck hit him. Although he was rushed to the hospital he died.

The question I keep asking is, why is it difficult for married couples to see danger and walk away? Why should a man or woman die because of marriage?

Many women have died because of a blow to the head during a fight. Why should a woman stay in a marriage where the only way to have a conversation is by making her a punching back?
Many men have been injured because they failed to take note of the signs of eminent danger. Even children have been wounded physically and emotionally because of the violence of one or both parents.

WHEN YOU HAVE PRAYED, SOUGHT COUNSEL, PLEADED WITH YOUR SPOUSE FOR PEACE, MADE ADJUSTMENTS, CALLED ON BOTH FAMILIES TO MEDIATE, HAD PRIVATE SESSIONS WITH YOUR SPOUSE AND HE/SHE REFUSES TO BULGE AND KEEPS ROLLING IN THE THREATS AND BEATINGS, KNOW THAT IT IS TIME TO RUN FOR SAFETY. It is only the living that stay married.

One Nigerian musician sang a song titled, “Teacher don’t teach me nonsense.”
As I write this book another thought came to me, “Student don’t learn nonsense.” As I watch the marriage of many couples I come across in my work as a minister of the gospel, I have come to the conclusion that many students of marriage are learning and imbibing nonsense. DON’T LEARN THE NONSENSE THAT YOU HAVE TO DIE IN MARRIAGE.

MARRIAGE CAN BE GOOD

Marriage can be good. There is no perfect marriage but there are good marriages.
Marriage is not for everybody. A person who does not have the passion for a marriage relationship, should not get into it. If you cannot invest emotionally into the life another, do not get into marriage. Until you are ready to commit emotionally, financially, spiritually intellectually to another, you are not ready to marry. Marriage is being naked all round before another to whom you have chosen to commit to.

As good as the marriage institution is, if you find your life being threatened, you need to re-evaluate the relationship and make the necessary changes and adjustments. Sadly too, when you refuse to make that necessary change, your marriage could cost you your life.

So I have the following to say:
1. Follow the Golden Rule in your marriage. Husband/wife, treat your wife/husband as good as you treat yourself; and as you would want him/her to treat you.

2. Don’t die in your marriage. Don’t let your parents, friends, pastor, colleagues give you that lie that you have to die in a violent marriage in order not to displease God. There is absolutely no reason to stay in a marriage where the man makes it a habit to hit you or the woman chooses daily to hurl bottles at you. Go for safety wherever you may find it until things are sorted out if possible.

3. Never allow your husband/wife to take your life away because you are married. Your life is a gift from God, which no one has the right to take from you. Once your life is being threatened, run for safety whether you are a man or woman. When your husband makes it a habit to hit you on the stomach with your pregnancy, he is planning to kill you. Don’t wait for him to accomplish his mission and ask for forgiveness from your family after you are gone. When your wife brandishes a pestle at the slightest provocation, know that your life is in danger. Don’t wait for her to play out the script she has written about your death and cry louder than everyone when you are gone.

4. God never intended for any man or woman to die due to mistreatment or abuse in marriage. Do not believe the lie that marriage is a cross so you can die in honour to God as you carry your cross.

5. God would want you to take the necessary steps for self-preservation when your life is threatened in marriage. Jesus in admonishing His disciples said to them anywhere they enter and they are accepted their peace will remain there. But if not they should live with their peace.

6. When you accept to be de-valued, abused and eventually die in marriage, you dis-organise God’s Agenda for your life and many others.
God has a Universal Plan and you have a role to play. If you exit untimely due to violence in marriage, you dis-organise God’s Master Plan.

7. Marriage is a personal issue. You do not need a crowd or someone’s approval to do what is right in your marriage. When you are abused, do not look for someone to bring you out of the marriage. If you do not like the brutality then make your decision and stand by it with all of its challenges. What eventually kills the abused in marriage is that he/she kept quiet.

8. Every marriage has its peculiar flaws, issues and challenges. Adjustments are necessary. You should not because your spouse presses the toothpaste from the middle say you have irreconcilable differences or he/she is abusive. Stay and reconcile the differences and continue with your marriage if there is no sign of danger.

9. Know that it is possible to disagree in marriage without being violent. Will there be disagreements in marriage? Yes there should be but it should not lead to beating, throwing bottles and strangling your spouse. Separate your disagreements from your relationship as you seek to work through them.

10. You have the right to run to safety and continue to seek peace in your marriage. When there is repeated violence, temporal separation is advised to forestall the possibility of death of the weaker spouse. The weaker spouse may be the WIFE and sometimes the HUSBAND. Sometimes a husband endures physical beating from his wife because he does not want to retaliate not because he is weak. You can leave your marriage temporarily and still come back to it when things are sorted out.

11. Know that when a man or woman no longer wants you, nothing anyone says will make him/her want you.A man might not want you but he is still willing to be civil, provide and look after the children. But when a man specifically tells you that he does not want you around; and that staying around is at your own risk do not gather people to plead for you. He has gone probably from being angry to wanting to do anything to be free from you. Do not insist on staying.

12. Your children are not enough reason for you to stay in an unhealthy marriage.Your children deserve a peaceful and healthy environment in order to develop.
When you stay in an abusive marriage because of your children, you are teaching your son that it is okay to abuse his wife. You are also teaching your daughter that she has to endure abuse if she finds herself in an abusive marriage. You do them a dis-service. When you walk away to safety, you are teaching your children not become abusers and to say no to abuse. If you do not take the right step to stop abuse in your marriage, your children are likely to either become abusers themselves or victims of abuse in their marriage. Also your decision to stay can make your children develop hatred for marriage.

So many abusive women would pursue their husbands with a knife and wound him and also remind him that they are stuck together for life because the church as they would say has tied them together and there is nothing the man can do. So many women believe they can hit their husband, deny him of sex for as long she they wish, be unkept and tattered and still answer Mrs. God-hates-divorce.

Many times we see a man suffer of broken heart and we do nothing but ask him to endure. We have watched many men suffer for 10 to 15 years, fall sick and die. In the same way, a woman’s parents would tell her to endure because of what the church or society would say or worst still because of her children. So the woman puts up with a man’s callousness, violence, and whatever else he chooses to pick up as a bad character. I have seen many women suffer untold hardship and some died.

Women-leader-God-hates-divorce CAMPAIGNER, before you advise a man who has come to report his wife’s wickedness towards him to endure, tell that worship leader and tongue-talking-sister of yours that God also hates irresponsibility and brutality. Tell your spiritual sister to go home and care for her husband who has been away from home on a business trip. She should cook and clean the house or employ someone to do it so her husband would come home to a decent place.
IT IS TIME TO SEND SOME WOMEN HOME FROM NIGHT VIGIL SO THEY CAN GO AND CARE FOR THEIR FAMILIES. It is time to stop some women from prophesying until they put their act together at home so that the church will no longer be mocked.

Men, it is not only divorce God hates; He also hates violence and brutality. You charge at your wife at the slightest provocation. Preach all you can; pray all you can; sing all you can; BATTER HER UNTO SUBMISSION but don’t for once think you are on your way to heaven with such brutality.

LET US ALL SPEAK UP!

Is it not yet time the church began to also invoke its right of ‘whatever you allow on earth is allowed in heaven?’ Is it not yet time pastors began to speak the truth concerning the various issues in marriage not mentioned in the Bible instead of turning blind eye and subtly expecting, cajouling or forcing people directly or indirectly to stay put even when the marriage is obviously endangering their lives?
Are pastors being good shepherds when they ignore the battered wife or husband? Are pastors really caring for their members when they turn a blind eye to the plight of the physically abused husband or wife?

Finally some questions for married and intending couples.
Does your husband trust that you will not physically abuse him? Do you hold his trouser at the slightest provocation? Do you slap or tear at him just because both of you are quarrelling?

Does your wife trust that you will not batter her?

How safe are you both with each other?

Finally, men, women, WHATEVER YOU ALLOW IS ALLOWED; WHATEVER YOU DISALLOW IS DISALLOWED. God will not send angel Michael to come and move you to safety. YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION TO BE SAFE.

Life is a gift is a gift from God given to everyone to enjoy and develop positively. No one has the right to take it from you in the name of marriage. You also do not have the right or liberty to take life from another person just because he/she is married to you.

I love you all!

All Rights Reserved, Destiny Chioma Iheukwumere, 2014

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